I do not know what to write. Today I turn another year older. I have reached my forty-first year in this life and I still feel like I am twenty, with a few minor annoying exceptions, such as my body complains a lot more than it used to, but I am working on making it more flexible no matter how irritated it gets with me. I am forcing myself out of an hour-long spasm of weeping and I do not know why I was weeping. The tears came out of me as if on reflex, like hitting my funny-bone and the water flowered out of me (I accidentally just now typed flowered instead of flowed and it sounds so lovely I am going to keep it there). I am sad these days for no reason and for many reasons at the same time. It is torture, yet it is a release as strong as the urge to drop too great of a burden after one’s arms give out. I do not know what I have been carrying so long for me to be so tired. I began to think hard about the world and all the people in it. I think of the Gods, the spirits everywhere, the little and the big living things that make up the universe, the things seen and unseen that help me live and allow things to die so that we all can live, and I cry, cry, cry for it all.
Like the depictions of Saint Mary, the Mother of God, and the many Goddesses who have given birth to the nations around the world, there is a universal weeping. Have I become a Lady of Sorrow, too? What purpose do my tears serve, if anything, at all? Do I weep out of my own suffering or do I cry because no one else sees and experiences the things I do in this world that go unnoticed and forgotten? Perhaps I weep because I feel like one of those unnoticed, forgotten things?
There are many people who ask for miracles each day. They pray for things they want and need and hope for. They think that power is a thing to be asked for, a thing they must be given, or fought for, or stolen from others. People abuse each other, control one another, take each other for granted, blind side their own children and lovers, abandon their families, cheat their brothers and sisters out of a better life so that they can get ahead, and you know what?
IT IS ALL UNNECESSARY.
As for weeping over the things in my life I can’t control, that is something different. Even though I often feel empowered, like I have the power to choose what I want to happen and can make my own destiny, there are some things that I cannot change and therefore must accept. I also must respect the choices of other people, support them even when they argue with me, and give them love unconditionally even when they misunderstand me and scream at me, love them even more so when they do that because they simply do that out of ignorance.
My younger brother, my closest blood relative, has estranged himself from me. He refuses to contact me, blocks me, has a deepening ill opinion of me and I can do nothing to change or soften his mind. Our mother died last year, and losing my brother in this way, by his own choice, is like experiencing a second death in the family.
My writing as of late has become sad, my feelings of abandonment have increased, and a cloud of insecurity has been cast over my other close relationships as I cope with this emotional situation. I fear the same thing happening to me with other people I love! I panic over the possibility that I may do or say things off putting that may encourage friends to leave me. I did not intend to write about my problems today, but now, as my words spill out, I think I know why I feel so sad on my birthday, and why my thoughts are full of shadow at this time.
Yet I am picking myself. With my birthday so close to New Year’s Eve, I often choose this time to give something to myself and plan at least one activity and a goal that I MUST FOLLOW THROUGH WITH NO MATTER WHAT. I am a very stalwart Capricorn who likes to rise to the top and, not only meet a challenge someone gives me, but better yet meet one I give myself, and go one step further. Later will come the very necessary showing-off, of course. My rising sign is Leo, I love jewelry and the pageantry of reward and praise. I want the bragging rights! I’m that way with my relationships, too. I like to name names, drop names, and give out names and pimp out names — the connections that I find all important even if they are friends that only mean something special to me, I don’t care, you have to know them because I will make them famous somehow by telling you awesome stories of their greatness. That’s how bad I get. My moon is in Aquarius, so you’ll know where I get my mystical and unconventional side from. Don’t ask me the rest, my natal chart is crazy. Where was I?
It seems I have cheered myself up as I get to the last paragraphs of my birthday blog post today. That is because when I start to speak with a purpose and talk about goals, I become full of passion. I burn away what makes me all damp, soggy, tearful. My eyes are drying up and my cheeks now feel a little chapped as I write these lines. I’ll be able to dream well now!
Here is my activity and goal for Valentina year #41:
Get to intermediate level in Belly Dancing
(specifically work on balancing so by year’s end I can Sword Dance)
Lose 30 pounds and keep it off
Fairly reasonable. Losing weight has been a life-long struggle for me, as well as a source of torture and pain. I have been bullied, teased, and criticized for being fat pretty much ever since I was born, and I wasn’t that fat as a child! I have, in the last three months, lost 20 pounds and managed to keep it off, but I am still heavy. Especially bottom front heavy and that leaves me very physically unbalanced. Much of this is due to diabetes. To lose an additional 30 pounds will help to extend my life, but the weight loss must be done slowly, in a healthy way. It has not been easy changing my lifestyle. What keeps me going is thinking about how many people I love crying at my funeral if I get naughty and have those extra bites of fatty foods!
As for the belly dancing… Fairly challenging and EXCELLENT for helping me to restrengthen, regain flexibility in my pelvic and abdominal muscles. I am entering a stage in my life where menopause is rearing its cranky head and I find that this kind of dance is getting me in touch with my feminine, sensual side again. For a long while I have felt totally un-sexy and pretty much undesirable. For the last seven years I gave up hope that I will ever be in a sexual, romantic relationship. As of today, it has been 18 YEARS since I last had a boyfriend, not just some hook-up or fling. That’s nearly HALF my life and I find this appalling. But I don’t need a man to make me feel good anymore. I’m fighting to get my sexy back! AND I’M GOING TO DO IT WITH A BIG BAD ASS SCIMITAR!
Dancing with Swords is not easy. Trust me. I have attempted it for several years and it has been a life-long dream. If you think I can’t do it, just take into consideration last year’s goal; I balanced my blood sugar for year 2010 something I thought impossible because I struggled with it for what seemed like forever. Talk about a tight rope act that was. If I can do that, I can frikkin’ isolate and balance that sword on my head. I was reminded of my obsessive love for swords (and swordplay, YAY!) after a conversation with a few friends recently. It helped me make up my mind what kind of sword I wanted to balance with. Here’s a preview of an instructional video of a dancer with the type of SCIMITAR dancing sword I envision myself using:
Pretty awesome, eh? I thought so, too. It’s going to be an interesting new year. I should probably do a Tarot reading for myself as well. For now, it’s good to dream.