Twitter, Twitter, Little Bird bring me closer to my friends!

I follow that little blue bird Twitter now, hoping the tweets I release @ValentinaWeena will sweetly sing me closer to my friends. Previously I expressed panic over Twitter because I found it to be too fast paced, perhaps a little too much and too close to people and celebrities for comfort. I feared obsession, getting addicted, or carried away by the overload of 140 character lines of instant messages describing all kinds of personal activities that would just overload me with too much emotion. Now that the mystery is gone and I’ve desensitized myself from the social network, I came to the realization what was really bothering me about Twitter. It all truly stemmed from my fear of being publicly shamed and shunned by friends who disagree with me online.

I had this happen to me not long ago, and it affected me so painfully, it almost made me turn my back on getting online ever again. The friend who suddenly fought with me, well, she’s still friends with many of my friends online, so there are always reminders of her absence and poor judgement against me. Shunning is the worst thing you can do to anyone. It does nothing but stop you in your tracks and make you question your self-worth. The friend I’m talking about told me that I would “pay” for not agreeing with her by making sure everyone would know about her opinion of me, yet many of our mutual friends were not so easily swayed by her side of the story. I never made an effort to get anyone to choose sides and just wanted to hide. In the end, I just felt awful since the whole fiasco happened online, and since she refused to communicate with me directly by phone or in person, there was no way to repair the damage, I could not defend my character, and for many months I dealt with harassing messages from people who thought they were obligated to defend my ex-friend. Some people just love to get on the bandwagon when it comes to abusing a stranger, especially when they don’t stop to check and see if whether or not they deserve it, they just want the excuse to kick someone, anyone, while they’re down to blow off steam. The worst thing about it was I had to be separated from a whole group of people I enjoyed being with. If I ever have to go through that again, I would crumple up and die!

But would I… really? Probably not. It would just make me more of a recluse. And I really don’t want that kind of life. I like being solitary, but I still need social interaction with others on and offline. To not be part of the rest of the world in some fashion is like being cut off from life. I need to be plugged-in, activated, part of community, and serve a purpose.

For too long I feel my talents and skills have gone unnoticed. I’ve lived in a dark shell nursing old wounds and complaining about how I’ve been done wrong. I hug my pillows like I would forgotten lovers, willing them to life again, but it’s just me lying to myself. There are times when having a comfort zone is healing, yet later I out grow it, I need to emerge and dance, dance, dance.

So, please, little blue bird, dear Twitter dear, sing my songs, tweet my loves to me! Because I’ve gone too long without my buddies and I really need them everyday in my life, even if it is only through those short little 140 character lines… Sing, Twitter, SING!

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7 comments on “Twitter, Twitter, Little Bird bring me closer to my friends!

  1. forestfae says:

    This former friend of yours, she must be..lets see, all of 5 years old? For her reaction as far as I can gather from what you wrote, is that of a petulant child.

    And yes I so agree, shunning is the worst thing you can do to anyone. I have always believed that to shun someone is a form of control. No hate, not even violence in some forms can come near to the psychological damage prolonged shunning can do to someone.

    • Sometimes I think that shunning is also a way for some people to make sure they gain all of your attention. It sickens me. Yeah, believe it or not shes only a few years younger than me (I’m 41) which only proves you’re as young as you can act! LOL

      Take care, Forestfae!

      I have to fix my images on this page. For some reason WordPress is not allowing me to customize my sizing. Grrr… so I’m going with a different technique today. Back to regular styled Valentina blog soon! Catch ya later.

    • Leif says:

      Be careful about making a judgement about someone before knowing both sides.

      I, personally, know each person in that situation.

      Sadly, Val here, has not told the truth and has quite elaborated the whole thing to make herself look victimized. It’s an unfortunate thing that she still, to this day, dwells and obsesses on something that happened over a year ago.

      There’s no doubt that she’s changed it in her mind because of how hurt she was but it doesn’t change the facts of what happened.

      The person, in question, never said any of those things, especially not anything like: “The friend I’m talking about told me that I would “pay” for not agreeing with her”. And if anything was in question I could easily bring up the exact exchange in question.

      This person is the most loving and protective person that I know. I was there, personally, to check anything she sent because she asked me to. she wanted to make sure that nothing came off in an attacking nature. She “turned away” from her so that Val could get a much needed wake up call and get her mental well being in check. Nothing that was said would have been taken to heart by Val because of the state she was in. She was never angry, in words or in person, and was clear about everything to everyone in the situation. She has always wished Val well, even to this day.

      There is no talking to Val when she is not receptive to listening when she’s already felt victimized or as she likes to say “misunderstood or made assumptions about”.

      This is not to attack Val but as she has said: “To have a right to defend” when someone is talking poorly and making assumptions on one’s character.

      Many people have turned away from her, including her brother, because of such reasons and she will continue to try to see wrong in what the other’s have done. She has not come to terms that she isn’t all that likes to believe she is and portrays herself online.

      It’s one thing to talk of peace and love but another to live it. I hope that she lives in peace and takes a deep look into herself and stops dwelling on such anger and the past in how she’s been “wronged”.

      • Wow, this just proves my point here. The perception of me being the one that cannot be communicated with is absurd. Since I was never directed talked to, no wonder I was shunned and the situation grew to one I had no control over. I am actually a decent person and never talked about this “friend” in a nasty way, nor accused her of being in the wrong. She simply refused to communicate and talked AT me.

        The reason why it hurts me to this day is because it was incredibly unfair way to deal with the situation, to make me the bad person. A true and kind person would have the decent courtesy to let me communicate with her and contain the situation. Instead it grew out of porportion.

        I have professional help, I practice meditation, and have a close group of friends who have never turned away from me. I have been shown now the people who truly are the ones who completely understand and don’t take sides. I never wanted this sort of thing to happen.

        I am not portraying myself falsely online at all. Leif, you never got to know me well. This also shows that the rest of the group did not get to know me either. How could anyone after only a few weeks’ visits? Furthermore, shame on you all for quickly misjudging me based on only one incident of outrage over one disagreement I had. No matter what side anyone took, I did not deserve to be rejected and ridiculed, harassed and shunned.

        I took all of the emails and responses I recieved to my doctor for interpretation because it bothered me so badly because I could do nothing to make the situation better. I listened and studied her words to figure out at what stage it got out of hand. I also poured my attention over my own words to pin point the ways in which I reacted wrongly and adversely contributed to the situation. The private messages were harsh and did not seem like the woman I thought I knew. I felt she was taking something out on me.

        The conclusion I eventually came to was I did not get along with one of her oldest friends, a woman who spoke harshly to me, and when she did so, my friend did not speak up for me or try to understand why I was upset. When she did, she used a different tone of voice I never heard her use before, like I was being pitied and childish. After that, things were not the same between us. She was acting indifferent towards me, especially after I was completely, brutally honest with her about the way her tone bothered me. This hurt her, but she refused to understand and communicate with me, preferring her own interpretation of what I had said. I never meant to hurt her AT ALL.

        Because it takes two to tango, it was really between the two of us, and should have never been a situation requiring a whole group of people to give me their two cents worth on the subject. She is a wonderful person. I am a wonderful person. At some point we fucked each other up. Who lost more? I did, not her. She has all of you in her life and can feel satisfied that her opinion did not have to ever be contested. The reason why I have suffered more is because I live alone in an isolated area. My contact with the outside world is limited to online friends because they once lived in the city I live in, they moved years ago. The rest of my friends live in Milwaukee and others are further out traveling overseas, the cheapest way to stay in contact with them is by internet.

        Losing a piece of my friendship pie from southern Wisconsin was a blow to my heart. Even though some are still in contact with me despite all this nonsense, it’s not the same. She ripped my heart out and crushed it and stomped on it some more. How does one get over that? Especially someone like me who can remember the words she wrote as clear as yesterday, as if it were happening all over again right now each time one of you decides to make sure I am reminded, or when one of you gets on my blog or email or Facebook to let me and/or my friends know I’m some kind of monster all because I was hurt and reacted to that hurt?

        I am telling MY truth, Leif. You’re not reading or listening to me. I refuse to be receptive towards people who only want to portray me as some kind of bad person, when all I am sometimes is a flawed person who is working hard to get her life together. I have every right to express myself. If you don’t like what I have to say, then don’t read it. Consider it fiction then. This is my place, my rules, my home, my spot to reflect.

        I have sacrificed by staying away from social networks that may intersect with any of the ones you frequent for fear of disturbing you and for fear of being disturbed by you. It seems at any time I attempt to write about my pain in order to exercise it, one of you has to devalue it, make it unreal, and attack my integrity to justify hurting me.

        But you know what? I’m not playing the victim anymore.

        My brother and I are estranged for different reasons, private ones that have NOTHING to do with this situation. I will not go into detail about that. I just elude to it just as he would if you’d engage him in conversation. We usually don’t see eye-to-eye and have a long history of fighting. I am giving him his space and I am certain, in time, we’ll be alright.

        I don’t see wrong all the time in the people I love. I forgive what has been done and said because, you know what?

        IT’S INCREDIBLY, OBNOXIOUSLY STUPID! You all should know better. You’ve known me online for, what? All of seven years?! And I got to visit you in person for only two years for a couple weeks here and there.

        Did you EVER consider you are wrong? NOT EVER ONCE?

        One last thing I want to say to you and, please, Leif, leave me alone: Tell everyone in your house that I love them and appreciate the times we had together. I never meant to hurt anyone with my opinions and words. Mistakes happen but they should have never parted friends.

        Isn’t it time someone forgave me and let this go?

        I only have dwelled on it because I have reminders of this loss in my house and online. I can’t escape it. It sucks. I will be dealing with it like any wound that takes several years to heal. Perhaps the reason why it was so easily dropped and forgotten by our friend is because I never really meant anything to her in the first place? That’s the thought I go to bed with sometimes.

        I stay solitary at times for fear of that happening again after I meet new and wonderful friends — fear of saying the wrong thing — so I keep an emotional distance and it keeps me from enjoying my life. That has to change. And I’m working on it. I’m warning you, the broken heart you left me with is not going to kill me.

      • I just called my brother to ask him about this old situation and he told me he didn’t agree with you, Leif. Even though we are in the middle of a argument over a totally different subject, it has nothing to do with something like this.

        Assumptions are the mother of all mistakes.

  2. Leif says:

    You truly are a person who doesn’t communicate well, in person. You talk over other people and you shut down as soon as you feel anything is against you.

    You can deny it all you want. That’s your choice but it wont change the facts. You can make me out to be the bad guy all you want, but again, it wont change anything except make you feel better.

    It’s not absurd if it’s true. How many times we have tried to talk to you but you ignored it or not even registered it. You think you’re justified because you keep telling your side. Which I wholeheartedly believe you believe it’s true. It’s just too bad that the facts, your own words and actions act against that.

    I can easily bring up text that you wrote that was vicious and nasty. Perhaps you’ve blocked from your mind.

    Nothing was unfair about this except your over reaction to the whole situation. She did the proper thing by not calling you or talking to you in person because I’ve seen how you’ve been whenever you’re worked up. You just do not listen nor do you feel you’re wrong. You get hysterical. Plain and simple.

    You only began to get professional help only AFTER this whole thing went down.

    No one has accused you of being a “bad” person. You can think what you want. Everyone has a right to defend themselves so don’t think it’s just you. None of us has ever done anything but want you healthy and happy. I think she really did you a kindness but you’re not willing to see any of that. I don’t even bother to tell her about these things, that you do, because all she’s done is want you happy.

    That’s why your brother isn’t talking to you. You never even considered listening to what he has asked. You disregarded his requests because they weren’t what you would do. Mostly about your beliefs or what ever “misunderstanding” you would like to call it. You are victimizing yourself in doing so and continuing to bring up the past.

    I think for the years that you visited, and almost one week or more each month in those years, are more than plenty to know a person.

    You continue to let obsessive thoughts rule you. (For example when you continued to go after me when I tried to make it clear I wasn’t interested.) Yet, no matter what, you wouldn’t listen.

    All I know is that our lives are better with out your self made drama. You can continue to make your excuses but in the end it doesn’t do you any good to continue to make up your own idea of what reality is. And so you isolate yourself more in the end because when people get to know you in real life the reality of what you are is different.

    We leave you alone but you continue to bring things back up, saying untrue things, hurtful things. Who is the one has forgiven? Clearly we have moved on a long time ago and you should have too. Do not think that we don’t have other’s who look out for us, as well, and let things like this slide just because you need to justify yourself. Why don’t you leave us out of your life and leave things in the past?

    Why do you continue to portray and think we’re out to hurt you?

    • Good Gods, I shouldn’t even respond to this because it’s ridiculous, Leif. Once again, all of this is assumption. I respond to DIRECT communication. If you speak up, I respond. If you don’t stand up and say what you think and feel, I can’t do anything about it if it concerns something I have done wrong because, without knowing what is wrong, I can’t make it right.

      I am not denying anything. I am flawed. I talk out loud and sometimes I expect you to talk back, but when someone doesn’t, it is not my problem they don’t. I am easily distracted. I have a mental illness that prevents me from paying attention as normally as others do. Someone could tell me something directly and there are times when I cannot listen. You actually have to tell me several times, or write it down! When I say “direct” I literally mean, physically direct. A tap on the shoulder or turning me around, making me stop to take a breath, or a clap will jump me out of zoning out. This is not an excuse. This is my reality. I stay away from interacting with people at times in order not to cause offense or confusion. BUT this does not mean I never intentionally meant to hurt anyone’s feelings nor am I using my disability as a crutch. This is the facts, Leif.

      This is all out of a misunderstanding, truly it is. And when I am attacked, I attack in kind. None of you approached me in any way I remember, if you did, I am sorry I do not remember. This was not intentional. This has happened to me before and it pains me because it costs me relationships, BUT it has NOTHING to do with you personally.

      I wish you would all understand that.

      I am not responsible for the way you interpreted my words. I did my best to reasonably defend myself and, when it came time where I could not take the harassment any longer, I blocked you and anyone who flooded my Facebook and blogs with inappropriate messages that were basically a free-for-all against my character.

      You do not understand or know me. You have only seen a few incidents where I was out of control that lasted for only moments.

      I HAVE PROFESSIONAL HELP! I HAVE A WHOLE HOST OF DOCTORS ON MY SIDE. I AM ON MEDICATIONS THAT HELP STABILIZE MY MOODS AND REGULATE THE FUNCTIONING OF MY BODY. I PRACTICE TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION AND DIALECTICAL BEHAVIORAL THERAPY. I MEET WITH A THERAPY GROUP FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME WITH THE SAME PROBLEM. I HAD THIS HELP BEFORE THIS INCIDENT. I HAVE BEEN SEEING MY DOCTORS SINCE 2009 AND FRANKLY IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I TELL YOU THIS ONLY BECAUSE IT IS PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND OR CARE ABOUT THE MENTALLY ILL WHO MAKE LIFE DIFFICULT FOR US. NONE OF YOU SIMPLY UNDERSTAND OR HAVE LISTENED TO ME, INSTEAD YOU HAVE DECIDED TO PLAY DOCTOR AND CHOSE TO PITY NOT GET EDUCATED ABOUT MY CONDITION. I GAVE YOU ALL PLENTY OF INFORMATION AND KEPT HER UPDATED.

      None of my business is your business. My brother and I have a disagreement over something you know NOTHING about that has NOTHING to do with you and NOTHING to do with me or him doing something wrong.

      I got your message, Leif. Did you not get mine? You don’t stand up for yourself. You don’t say anything about your feelings. You didn’t say anything to me. I lost interest in you way before you thought I was still interested in you.

      So what if I’m obsessive? That’s my problem. What about all of the obsessions and problems everyone in your house shared with me over and over again? Self made drama? Your house is not without drama. You’re not without stains on your character.

      Who cares what I say? If you are truly done with me, why seek me out constantly and can’t resist a long reply that is just another list of why you think I’m in the wrong, and when I defend myself, I’m even more in the wrong, or delusional? I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

      I have left you out of my life. I made sure to leave you all completely alone. What part of blocking you, and keeping my replies private, even starting a new blog and joining other communities all to avoid “bumping” into you all don’t you understand? I didn’t do that out of shame, I did that out of panic.

      I feared this happening all over again. Of constantly being criticized and torn apart by people I loved as if I were never loved under the guise of “we care about you so we’re rejecting and shunning you to give you a wake up call so you can get help” which has nothing to do with care or love, but stupidity. Out your carelessness, you caused me more harm than good. The only wake up call I got was I found out who my true — No — who my WISE friends are.

      I am still getting over the pain. I have said and I will keep on saying it, some people can more easily drop something and move on, but I can’t. It is taking me longer to get over the pain. It may be in the past, but I do not forget. I forgive, but the memory replays in my mind. I have an obsessive mind. It sucks. If you learn anything from your experience with me, keep in mind never to do this to anyone else. Remember that not everyone is deliberately ignoring you or means you harm, and that maybe you are not always right. And if you really care about someone, or what to tell someone how you really feel, get a pair of balls and SAY SOMETHING. Do not sit there and wait for someone else to do it for you. Do not sit back and stay silent and let someone speak for you.

      I do not have to portray, or think, you’re out to hurt me, because you have clearly done so. The evidence is in your words and actions. You may think that you’re being cruel to be kind with me, but in reality, you were cruel.

      All of it could have been handled much better if one simple phone call had taken place. I was open. Ready to listen. But she, and apparently all of you, decided to make up your minds that I was not. I do not need people who are one minute kind and loving, judgmental and unwilling to communicate the next.

      I may have trouble with communicating at times, and clearly you all are not perfect at it either, but enough with the finger pointing. Everyday I panic over what to say to other people, even online when I’m writing I am self conscious now, more than ever, how I place my words. But everyday I am getting better and back to myself again.

      Despite how you have hurt me, I won’t let you hold me back from expressing my truth. You have no hold on me.

      This will be the last time I will reply to you. I’m sorry, truly sorry, you think these things about me, and that it destroyed a once very beautiful relationship I had with a woman I considered a best friend and confidant. I miss her very much and mourn the loss as if she had suddenly died. But it wasn’t just her who died, I lost all of you unnecessarily and for no good reason.

      I have realized now that not everyone in the world is like you lot. Other people have shown me true love. Maybe someday you will find that, too. It comes from finally loving yourself enough to never again let anyone keep you down. You don’t have permission to come back to this blog and put me down again. Good-bye.

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