Much has changed since last New Year’s Eve. I’ve been unable to bring myself to write much. Perhaps because I’ve been more active outside than on the inside these past months since the death of my closest companion. 2013 seemed to be a year of many transformations, actual death being just one of them. The numerology for the year equals 13, the number of Death in the Tarot (and all kinds of bad luck if you believe in that sort of thing).
Death has crossed my path before, yet this last time was my most intense experience so far because my cat was so emotionally close to me. He wrapped his body around my face every night. That kind of intimacy… the loss of it… it changes you. And yet I could not have a home without a cat. 2013 will mark the year I lost and found cats. On October 11th, I invited a new kitten into my life, Velvet, so full of fierceness, spirit, and glee, it’s impossible to be depressed around her. She keeps me on my toes, yet she doesn’t sleep with me like my boy did. He was the lover. She’s the fighter. Both of them teach me how to champion on.
But Death visited me in other ways as well. I changed the way I behave online, mostly. I had to give up so many ways I used to operate for fear and sorrow at causing others distress and my own, sort of. I gave up on a lot of anger, grew obsessed with everything I said, drew myself up in knots. My body took a toll. I’m still healing myself. The loss of old relationships still smarts, always will, the heart never forgets. I re-thought about the way I communicate, realized that much of the way I am is really who I am, and that problems some people have with me is really their problem! My mistake is apologizing for myself for being myself. I learned that if you go on doing that too often, it gives people the impression that if I don’t believe in myself, how can I be authentic if I’m unbelievable? Well… I am unusual, but I think you know what I mean. I still blame myself for old friends cutting contact with me, and it took a great deal of trial and error to avoid the temptation to write publicly about it, but I managed to slow down talking about my personal life too much. No amount of anyone shunning me will ever shame me.
The Sun was my Tarot card for 2013 and it shined through me in the way that I was successful creatively. I completed the playing card project, yet my agent and I are not on speaking terms. Even though I cannot sell my work outside the reservation, I learned a valuable lesson professionally. The sun’s light reveals everything, and it also sent many new friends my way.
To make up for the loss of the old, I experienced renewal with people all around me. I continue to experience a spiritual and psychic resurgence in friends. My circle is wider, and thicker and I am thankful. Every year I write down a wish that is more like a goal: an intention. 2013’s intention was to secure true and better friendships. Putting that intention out there and meditating upon it attracted to me all types of new and exciting personalities, including spirit guides.
I have yet to write about it at length, but this year marked a new venture: I have started to incorporate my art with my spirit medium abilities. It all started with a dream I had on October 2011 of a woman I had not met and felt compelled to draw her portrait, when I later saw her face online and learned she was the friend of a friend, it was such an exciting revelation, I had to expand on the portrait and paint it. When I decided to paint her and the spirits all around her, the more of them appeared to me. So after the portrait, I bought I new sketchbook and decided to keep a visual diary of visions I would have. The practice of this “paranormal portraiture” grew and grew…
I now participate in paranormal investigations where I can sketch what I “see” within my mind’s eye. The results have been exciting, with me often capturing personalities from the previous centuries, leading me (no matter what) to study local history and discover our ancestors, leading also to a renewed respect and awe at how they survived. Mostly I’ve been investigating at The Cottage Cafe in Plover, WI, a historical landmark known as one of the most haunted places, but also a quite most wonderful place to be. I’ve made a lot of friends there!
I am truly grateful for getting through the old year. Thankful for the old friends who have come and gone.
My Tarot card for 2014 is The Chariot: I am moving forward with a better sense of direction and utilization of my abilities. I feel more balanced, ready to get going. There is so much more for me to do. Much love from me to you! I promise to catch up with all the subjects I left unfinished. There is so much I haven’t yet said. So many words I’ve only thought. In one half hour the new year’s here.
Drink one for me as I kiss our past good-bye!